Monday, 23 August 2010

Dangerous (inspired by Sunday Scribblings)

Dangerous to me is writing this very first blog post of mine!
I have been suffering from what must be the longest writer's block anyone has ever experienced. It seems like I have been whining forever and ever that what I really want to do with my life is to write - and found excuses over excuses NOT to! A couple of years ago, my husband supported me leaving work so that I could focus on finally realising this dream of mine but all that happened was that I grew increasingly frustrated and grumpy because I just couldn't get anything down on paper. In the end I went back to work because I just couldn't handle it!

Considering this, one might wonder what gave me this idea in the first place...Well, as a teenager I did actually write quite a lot, mainly poems and my diary but nevertheless: I wrote and I enjoyed it.
Now, I'm like a deer in the spotlights of a car as soon as I sit down to write: I freeze. I don't know what to write, I don't know how to write, I think I'm useless!

What happened?
I have developed many theories over the years - most of them blame other people or circumstances, like "higher education and academic writing killed my creativity", "work doesn't leave me enough time to write", "I need my own space"...The list is endless.
Having had the opportunity to respond to one of my theories and to address the obstacle of "not enough time" helped me realise that the obstacle was really an excuse and that all of them were. At the time, this realisation shocked me so deeply that I just turned my back and ran away. But the issue didn't leave me alone and kept working in my unconscious, manifesting in dreams and a longing paired with sadness and disappointment with myself.

Why would I make up excuses for something that is supposedly so important to me? What is stopping me?
Do I prefer the idea over the reality?
Sometimes it is so much easier (and safer!) to idealise a dream and to hold it dear like a precious treasure rather than to actually try and make it happen. It allows you to simultanously avoid reality AND the dream. You tell yourself that your life would be so much better if only you could realise this dream. Thereby you don't have to face up to your life as it is right now and also will never find out if that would actually be the case. It is a safe escape fantasy. 
But basically it means being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Getting down to business and start making it a reality, however, is bloody hard work and I didn't like it. It scared the living daylights out of me. It's dangerous. Why? Because I could fail.
What would I be left with then?
Well, I guess in the worst case scenario: a dream that turned out to be a mirage. But if that's the case I will be able to let go of it and get on with my life.

If not - who knows? Anything is possible when you live dangerously...
Sometimes in life you just have to jump and hope that on the way down you will grow your wings.


  1. Good luck with your blog. I started a writing blog a few years back. I set a goal of 1 short story per week and made that commitment on my blog page. I would ask someone to give me a word or phrase and use that to write a story. To relax, I put on some soothing music, without words, sit back and let your creative juices flow. Works for me, but each of us need to find our own zone. I'll be visiting again to see how you're doing. The more you write, the more you write. Good luck.