Only a night from old to new (for Carry on Tuesday)

The rain was running down the kitchen window like liquid threads unwinding from a heavenly spool. Behind this watery curtain a grey November morning started unfolding its dim light, hardly managing to brighten up the darkness of the previous night. The cup of coffee in her hands had gone cold while she had been losing herself in the rain and her thoughts. Like a deep sea diver she had to take a few minutes before surfacing from the depths and re-enter the world above water. She vaguely remembered her husband kissing her goodbye before hasting out of the door, like always in a rush with no time for breakfast and a client already waiting. No further mention of the conversation they’d had last night. For him no big deal, nothing left to say. In fact, “Grow up and stop being silly.” was all he had to say when she had finally opened up, released her deepest fears, hoping that he might save her, that together they might be able to change but that hope was now gone, drowned in the relentless rain of the night and her tears, that she had cried secretly after he had gone asleep. Now she just felt empty and washed out. She looked at the clock on the opposite wall, a horrible thing he had bought when they moved in, efficient and sterile like the kind they have in offices and hospitals, and realised that she was meant to be at work 5 minutes ago. Slowly she raised herself from the chair and went to the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes looked tired and red but just behind their dead stare she could make out a faint glimmer of their old sparkle. She started running herself a bath and after a long soak she felt cleansed and renewed. Like dead skin cells she had scrubbed off all memory of this life and walked out the door.

What I want (inspired by We write poems)

I want the latest fashion

And lots of new books

Nice jewellery and perfume

Plus fabulous looks

A house by the sea

And comfortable wealth

No worries to think of

And everlasting health

Okay, I’m just kidding

Though sometimes it’s true

I run around wanting

Stupid things, have no clue

But honestly, if you ask me

If I had just one shot

I want to stop wanting

And be content with my lot

December (inspired by Sunday Scibblings)

Every year in December

I’m stopped in my flow

And ask myself the question

Where did this year go?

Time seems to be racing

I run behind or ahead

But every year in December

It suddenly stops dead

And while watching the snowflakes

A thought dawns on me

It’s time to stop running

And start trying to be

Triumphant (inspired by Writer's Island)

Triumphant is one

Who has realised clearly

True nature of all

The best perfume (for Poets United)

You can try and bottle up

The finest aromas

Mix it with the scent

Of high diplomas

Add the fragrance

Of money and success 

But money cannot buy

The beautiful smell

Of a life lived fully

A life lived well

The pursuit of happiness (for We Write Poems)

Oh how to catch

Such an elusive creature

If you don’t know

What it looks like

Can’t describe

A single feature

Wouldn’t recognise it

If it bit you on the arse

In some cases

The pursuit of happiness

Seems like a farce

Wondrous morning (for Writer's Island)

The station's little coffee shop
Was open today
It never had been before
Wondrous it was
Covered in pictures
Of old movie stars
Marilyn Monroe
Frank Sinatra
James Dean
Many I didn't even know by name
And when after he served me
The owner started playing
An old record of his
"Do you whisper to an angel
or do you just say I love you?"
The dawning morning transformed
Into a scene out of time
And when the eyes of a stranger
Met mine
I was bewitched
Just for a second.

Winter podginess

It’s not the season

For a skinny body

Even my biggest jeans

Think I’m too podgy

I’m turning into the object

Of my food desire

Muffins spring to mind

The mirror’s no liar

But whenever I’m naked

The mirror’s my friend

I quite like my new curves

Think I’m bang on trend

My hubby’s delighted

And praises my bits

Loves the big bum

As well as my tits

So I ask myself why

I want to be thinner

Seems like this new shape

Is clearly a winner

Maybe it’s time

To change my focus

The clothes are the problem

Hocus-pocus

Friendship

I don’t think it’s my role

To tell you what you want to hear

To agree with everything you do

To cheer you on

When I see you aiming for disaster

Most people wouldn’t take the risk

To offend you

By telling you the truth

They wouldn’t challenge you

Like I do

I understand

That sometimes

It’s about just being there

To pick up the pieces

But other times

I would like to stop you

From going to pieces

In the first place

Forgiveness (inspired by Poets United)

Bathing in a pool

Of guilt and regret

The last words of a fool

Melodiously said

Could have

Would have

Should have

Could have learned

To accept

Would have

Given respect

To the fact

That we all make mistakes

And the past has long gone

Should have tried not to be

The fool in that song

Confessions of a control freak

My name is Dani and I’m a control freak. Oh yes and I’m sure if you met me in person you’d also soon come to that conclusion. A lot of people I met this year did and thankfully they told me so. Obviously, I didn’t like that at first. It’s easy to ignore feedback like that if your husband tells you so (because all women are control freaks compared to men) but alas I had to seriously investigate these allegations – turned out, it’s true.

So at the beginning of summer, after some reflection, I came to the conclusion that the need to control comes from fear and that I needed to face my fears. So I did. Amongst other things I skinny dipped into the Thames near Oxford from a little boat my husband and I hired: I discovered that the Thames water is still freezing cold in May and that being covered in sunscreen doesn’t help a swift escape back into a plastic boat. I might have traumatised some locals that were driving past on their bikes as well but hey, I was facing my fears and I'd like to think I helped them too.

Later this summer I felt like there’s something deeper going on, that somehow I’m not really expressing myself or living to my full potential and might actually try to control a part of myself that I’m scared to let out. So one Sunday morning while sharing a bath with my husband I burst into tears telling him that he just didn’t understand what I was going through. When he requested me to elaborate, all I could say (in a very dramatic fashion!) was: "I need to grow my wings!" and he said: “Ah... so you don’t just want to be a monkey (he calls me that sometimes) but a FLYING monkey!” Amidst all the tears I laughed out loud and agreed. My Alter Ego was created. The next day I started writing my blog.

Needless to say that the controlling behaviour hasn’t just disappeared but in little baby steps I've done more things that I never did before and started to do other things differently.

Last month I started thinking a lot about letting go and learning to enjoy being lazy and boy did I get into that one! It was like discovering a new drug. Finally I allow myself to just do what takes my fancy and I have been reading and writing to my heart’s content. It’s been manure for my blossoming creativity. Of course, there have been downsides: our flat is a mess and hasn’t been cleaned properly for over a month now (it normally gets an over-all clean at least every two weeks), I’m way behind with an assignment for my Uni course (in fact I haven’t even started) and it is due in next week, my clothes are getting too tight (and I choose to think that someone secretly takes them in at night) and I’m still sitting here writing this in my dressing gown at lunchtime.

Do I feel bad? Yes, sometimes. When the old addicted voice in my head says: “Go on, get a grip, you know you want to.” But you know what? Maybe I’ll just have to wing it – isn’t that what wings are for?

Rollercoaster love (inspired by Carry on Tuesdays)

Through a rollercoaster

Of joy and despair

From seemingly grounded

To up in the air

Our relationship always

Continues to move

And therefore it really

Never loses its groove

I hope it will never

Get boring or lame

But always be exciting

And never the same

For change is the secret

And we’re the living proof

That the course of true love

Never runs smooth

Dreamworld

In between day and night

When things quiet down

Shadows come to light

And something emerges

From the dark abyss

Of oblivious functioning

Sensing something's amiss

In all this

That what I’m led to believe

Can’t be right

That somehow I’ve lost sight

Of the point, the purpose, the goal

There’s no soul

In this life

Lived according to conventions

And I wonder

Where I’ve been all day

For I wasn’t really here

In the now

And somehow

Feel like losing myself

In a dream world

Where days seamlessly

Go from one to the next

Without me

The quest (inspired by Writer's Island)

Life seems at times

Like a never-ending quest

An adventure filled chase

After a treasure chest

But every time we get where

The treasure’s meant to be

We just find another map

That guides our destiny

There’s never fulfilment

To be found in that chest

Only fuel for more hunting

And I start to detest

Do you think I am stupid

Or are you taking the mick

I quit this stupid game

It’s making me sick

Instead I will happily

Start to enjoy

Dolce far niente

Oh what a joy!

Gratitude (inspired by Writer's Island)

I ask myself why

When thinking about gratitude

I seem to display

A rather biased attitude

I am very grateful

For all that I like

For the things that I wanted

Like my first bike

But I’m not saying thanks

For the hardship and pain

For the tears and the dramas

The dreams pursued in vain

But have they not all

A role to play

In shaping who I am

What I think, do and say

Because sometimes I wonder

When I look back

Is all what it seems?

Is black really black?

Events that back then

Were a real disaster

Often changed things for the better

And probably much faster

Than if things would have turned out

Just as I planned

In gratitude therefore

I’m folding my hands

Saying thank you for everything

Just as it is

For all of the pain

As well as the bliss

Antidote (inspired by Sunday Scribblings)

You’re my antidote

My reality check

My mirror image

Reflecting back

All the things I can’t see

Or don’t want to know

My faults and my flaws

You put them on show

It’s not always easy

To recognise this

More often than not

I give it a miss

Perceiving you as separate

Outside, in front of me

I confront you instead

Of the real enemy

For whatever I see

In you

Is in me

What a difference a day makes (for Sunday Scribblings)

Yesterday

Endurance and hope 
Waiting to be rescued
29 men still breathing

Today

Despair and pain
29 men dead
Families grieving

Peerless (inspired by Writer's Island)

There’s nothing like

The grace of a camel

Its swagger is met by none

Unfazed it sways

With lazy movements

Never rushed or hurried

Strolling along

In the effortless style

Of someone who

Just doesn’t give a shit

Driftwood (inspired by We Write Poems)

I dive into the cool embrace

Of the liquid of life

My body elated, feather light

I float on my back

Feel supported and free

Only sky above

The ocean beneath

I ride on the rhythm of its breath

Every wave a small death

Like driftwood

To be carried away

And washed up on new shores

Full of new adventures

Winter Blues (Inspired by Carry on Tuesday)

I look out of the window

Onto a gloomy day

Windy as my mind

All in disarray

The leaves have fallen

It’s raining cats and dogs

Short days are calling

They’ve turned back the clocks

And I feel so blue

Because I don’t want it to be true

Essential (inspired by Sunday Scribblings)

I have been thinking about this prompt since Sunday now. Initially I felt very positive and inspired but the more I started thinking about the word, the less sense it seemed to make. It’s so over- and misused in our society as well. The least essential things are called essential while what’s really essential is overlooked. But what actually is really essential?

Today I got an e-mail through work from some agency that is supporting the redundancy process we are currently going through, inviting me to a workshop called “Job Search Essentials”. Yeah right, I need to find another job but is that essential? And what are they going to teach us there? How to best pretend to be the person they - whoever they are – want? Why can’t I just be myself and hope for the best? Being myself. That’s essential.

And you know what else? Breathing! Just discovered that again this morning when I sat down to meditate after a few weeks of absence from my cushion.

Life would be so much easier if we just focused on these two essentials.

From my heart to my mind (inspired by Carry on Tuesday)

Close your eyes, have no fear

I’m with you my dear

I’m the voice of the heart

And the truth that you hear

Beware of the doubters

They’re always near

They’re trying to stop you

They whisper in your ear

They make everything cloudy

That seemed to be clear

Remember

It’s only you and me

Who decide in here

Envision (inspired by Writer's Island)

Call me the queen

Of big dreams and ambitions

I have more ideas

Than you could envision

I’m chasing them fast

Trying to juggle them all

They don’t all last

Some of them fall

By the side

Are abandoned half-way

I can’t do it all

What can I say

Too much for one lifetime

Even for me

Abandoned projects

Is all I can see

When at night I start thinking

Of all things that could be

And realise that really

It’s too much for little me

Hungry mind (inspired by We write poems)

I savour the moments
when the colourful flavours
of new ideas
leave our tongues
marinated in words
that fill the air
with the delicious aroma
of food for thought

SOAR (Inspired by Writer's Island)

There are days
When life seems such a bore
And little things
Get right to my core
Then I dream myself away
To a beautiful shore
Or into the wild
where the lions roar
And I find myself wanting
So much more
I don't want to fly
I want to soar!

Colour Scheme

Colour scheme

BLUE I like best

It makes me feel calm

Enveloping and cooling

Just like a balm

RED is a strange one

Powerful and strong

But can bring you to tears

Just like an old song

GREEN is so natural

Healthy and grounded

Makes you feel like a tree

By flowers surrounded

Now YELLOW seems harsh

Bright and direct

Just like tasting lemon

It demands some respect

But WHITE is the King

Who comes to light

As a beautiful rainbow

With all colours shining bright

Beyond hope and fear (inspired by Carry On Tuesday and Chad)

It started out as a feeling
which then grew into a hope
I didn't realise where I was heading
couldn't see the slippery slope

Experience became expectation
I found it harder and harder to cope
when things didn't go to plan
and disappointed my growing hope

The feeling, once lovely
was nowhere to be seen
instead anguish and anger
dominated the scene

The problem with hope is
She doesn't come alone
by her side walks her brother
Fear's the name by which he's known

So just stick to the feeling
Enjoy it while it lasts
Don't worry about the future
and let go of the past

If the feeling's unpleasant
just wait for it to go
Things seem to be solid
but they're always in flow

Love (inspired by Sunday Scribblings)

Love

I am the bird

That flies freely

I cannot be caught

I am the flower

That blossoms

As a beautiful thought

I am the light

In the darkness

Of hatred and pain

I am the giver

And receiver

No loss and no gain


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True Love

I want you to be happy

I want you to be free

My love’s not conditioned

By what’s in it for me

Love cannot be selfish

Nor can it be controlled

To really love truly

You have to be bold

A whimsy (inspired by Writer's Island)

A whimsy took me

Raised me up

And carried me away

I held on to it

Tenderly, lovingly

And fed it every day

I watch it growing

Finding expression

Shape and form

And I know one day

It won’t be a whimsy

But the norm

The Nature of the Mind (inspired by Sunday Scribblings)

The Nature of the Mind

Clean

Pure

Pristine

Its essence

Luminous

Warm

All-pervading

Its qualities

Ultimately

It always has been

And always will be

Perfect

No one would have believed (inspired by Carry on Tuesday)

No one would have believed

A hundred years ago

The many things so normal for us today

And no one believes today

That other things

May be normal for us in the future

Did you believe

You would live the life you live now?

Do you believe

In the life you want to live in the future?

It is easy to believe

In what you want to believe

The mental concepts we hold

Influence our perception

And our thoughts create our world

What do you want to believe in?

One misty moisty morning (Inspired by Carry On Tuesday)

One misty moisty morning

I woke up from a dream

Of dolphins in blue waters

And jungles lush and green

I thought this must be special

Some deeper truth behind

A landscape so amazing

Coming from my mind

After lots and lots of thinking

And wondering all day

I came to the conclusion

There’s nothing much to say

A dream is just a dream

That much I know for sure

The ones at night are easy

The days are more obscure

How do we ever really know

If we’re awake or dreaming

It all feels real right then

Real smell, real sight, real feeling

Only after do we realise

That it was just in our mind

How do we know that NOW

is of a different kind?

Treatment (inspired by Sunday Scribblings)

Treatment

“Treat others the way you want to be treated”.

That’s sometimes easier said than done. Especially if THEY don’t treat us the way we want to be treated. We like to think that certain negative behaviours cancel out the above rule and justify an equal response. Wrong! Why? Well, first of all there’s karma to consider: somehow we created the causes for this to happen – even if we can’t remember anymore - and reacting in a negative way will only create more causes for future shit to come our way. However, this train of thought doesn’t always work – for the simple reason that we just can’t believe that we really created this situation (we just can’t remember!). Therefore I tend to argue along the lines of one of my “things” in order to look after myself and my karma: I tell myself that no one but myself controls my behaviour and that I always have a choice. If I treat someone else badly just because they treated me badly, that means I’m just reacting rather than acting - which means they are in control: they MAKE me behave that way. Now this goes completely against the grain of what I believe in (my “thing”): No one makes me do anything – so I try and choose my response and when I take the time to think I also remember karma and then I often do actually manage to rise above the petty ping pong game. I might still think “Fuck ‘em” but I don’t act it out and I don’t say it.

So still some work to do - but I am getting there ;-)